Welcome back!

Hey guys 🙂

I started this blog around 4 years ago with the idea for it to be my online diary. I was quite busy at the time and did not produce much content and eventually I just dropped it.

A few months ago I embraced a completely new chapter in my life – my search for self-discovery, self-love and healing. As the time passed I felt the creativity flowing through my veins again and the need to share what I have learnt with others. That’s why, I remembered my lost online diary and decided to bring it back to life (honestly I have been thinking of topics and ideas for the past 3-4 months but the New Year seemed like the best time to actually do it).

I will start by saying that I prefer to stay anonymous here as I am planning on sharing really personal things that I don’t feel completely ready to disclose to the world openly under my name. Hopefully a day will come when I will be ready to reveal my name but until then please stick with me if you are interested in my posts or just leave the blog without being hateful. Thanks 🙂

In case my anonymity would not be a deal-breaker, I am happy to welcome you all rebels, misfits, dreamers, creatives, princesses, princes, the black sheeps …those who are different, who struggle to come to terms with our reality and to find their place under the sun … everyone who feels that their place is here and that they can get something out of my experience.

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I don’t really know where to start with my story but to make it short for now I will start off by saying that I had a bad childhood because my parents separated when I was very little. They argued a lot and I felt that I should be the adult, the responsible one, who has to do something and bring them back together. My numerous efforts failed (and for the better) but as a fragile, emotional child at an early age I started struggling with feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, separation anxiety, abandonment from my father and many others. During the first grades I was bullied badly at school which made things worse.

As I grew up I tried to capsule these awful feelings and never think of them again and I did succeed until I moved all alone on the other side of Europe at the age of 19. The separation from home and from my mother who has been my rock during all of these awful experiences brought back feelings I did not even know existed. I tried to suppress them for a very long time (I tend to be very stubborn) but then when I finished university and couldn’t find a job for more than 2 years, receiving numerous rejection letters made things unbearable.

I started suffering from severe Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks and mild Depression. It was extremely hard getting out of the bed in the morning and even worse when I had to leave the house. I lived in a constant nightmare …there is a lot to be told about this experience but I will share more in my upcoming posts on Anxiety and Panic Attacks. In the meantime, despite feeling awful, I was constantly trying to convince my mother and my boyfriend that I do not suffer from a mental illness. Until one day I had the worst fight with my boyfriend – I said things that I did not really think – it was my anxiety and my ego talking – we did not talk for whole 20 hours (we have been together more than 5 years and that is the first time that something like this happened). I was crying the whole night and I woke up a different person. I woke up a determined person, one who has admitted that is suffering and that needs help. That’s the day I decided that I needed to do something about my mental health and started reading self-help books, trying out different techniques and signed up for a weekly therapy. All of this helped me tremendously – I still have a long way to go until I am fully recovered – but around 9 months later it is not that hard to get out of bed or out of the house.

While all of this was happening in my mind, a lot has been happening in my body as well. I started getting extremely painful periods around 4 years ago and a lot of doctors expressed their concern that it might be endometriosis. I managed the symptoms and the periods by taking the pill for the past 3 years but apparently the disease was still there thriving. Around a year ago I was diagnosed with endometrioma – cyst on the ovary. It started growing and it is now more than 7cm. That’s why, in the past year I have been battling endometriosis as well and trying to find a way to reduce the cyst without the need for surgery.

So to sum up, my blog will be mainly about living life as a creative dreamer searching for their life purpose and path, battling anxiety and endometriosis, sharing tips on coping with these diseases, raising awareness on mental health and trying to live life to the fullest despite all obstacles.

Hope you all enjoy it! Welcome aboard my crazy life!

Past Relationships

“Anyone who can touch you can hurt you or heal you…
Anyone who can reach you can love you or leave you…”

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There comes a moment in life when you look back and realise how many people you have lost along the way. People who were like a family to you, who knew all of your good and bad sides, people you could not imagine to be apart from. But now you are so far away from them, that you have no idea how their life is going. And you remember how you used to spend so much time together and how you used to talk, how you felt so comfortable around them and for a millisecond you wish you could talk to them again. But then… you can’t call them, because you separated as foes, your last dates were a disaster and it would be really inappropriate for you to try to reach them.

ImageAt the moment these thoughts cross your mind, you feel again the bitter-sweet taste of the fight in your mouth. You can’t help but think that it is all your fault and that you weren’t good enough, you have made mistakes. Yes, we all make mistakes, we expect too much and when we don’t get it, we fight. But at the end how can we not struggle for the attention we need. Can we always be the good ones and leave the others to use us? Apparently there is no humanity left in people these days and when you always listen and understand, you are left on the second place. Everyone has their double standards – when someone gives you no choice, you do what they want you to do, but when you know about somebody that they will always sympathise with you, there is just no need to pay so much attention to their wishes. But we all need some people who can show us they love us and are happy for us to be a part of their lives. And if they don’t demonstrate this, how can we feel loved and appreciated? How can we satisfy our basic human needs?

Image“I think–I think when it’s all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It’s not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don’t know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him.
It was losing me.”

The worst part of breaking up with somebody is the fact that you lose part of your own self during the separation… and afterwards you are unable to trust people. You always feel like you are going to be betrayed again and prefer to look suspicious on everybody, to have very high expectations and if nobody meets them, then you should never let yourself be fooled again. And actually no one can meet your expectations, even your relatives… and you end up being alone, feeling really lonely. So maybe in this world it is bad to be a dreamer, to hope for friends and life similar to the sitcom FRIENDS, to hope for the romantic story of Romeo and Juliet. Maybe you should be realist, in order to succeed, you must make the people around you fear you and teach them to do what you say. 

ImageJust try to buy yourself some love.

Relationships

All relationships have their tough and complicated moments. But maybe, on the first place, we should have a healthy relationship with ourselves, before starting to consider the ones with the outside world. If we can’t live happily on our own, how can we do this with other people? If we are afraid of heights, we don’t go bungee jumping, right? You can’t run before you can walk. But on the other hand, if we always surrender to our fears, we will never be able to overcome them. So the best thing you can do is just try. Even if you fall, you can always get back up. You just should have enough courage and faith in yourself.

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However, in real life when we try and try and try… and we never succeed, we just start to give up a little every time we fail. Until we just give up completely from the idea to have a perfect relationship with somebody. And we are left on a crossroad with two possible choices.  We can either end up thinking that we will die alone and nobody will even realize that we are dead for a long time. Or we can just find somebody with whom we get along and invest a lot of energy and time to make it work. We devote our life to that one person and we are often forced to choose friendship over love or love over friendship. We are living in a world where you can’t have it all, so you just need to pick one and make it work. Often people deem that the love relationships are exhausting and in your twenties it’s better to be single and live your life than to devote so much time and effort to some guy. But most of them don’t realize that the friendships are as demanding as the love relationships.

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People want all of your attention and if you can’t give it to them, they just leave your life and move on to find somebody else who can satisfy their needs. This applies to all kinds of relationships and to all people – to me, to you, to that guy sitting next to you or to the waitress in your favourite coffee shop. It is just a part of our nature. We can’t have it all, but we are constantly trying to have it all. This is our faith and hope for a better future. But we often forget that there will be no better future if we don’t work for it. And if we just throw away all the people that have touched our hearts but have made some mistakes, we may throw to the garbage our soul mate as well. That is what I call the wicked circle in which we are all stuck. We trust someone, they trust us, then something shitty happens and boom… they are in your past. And we suffer, and we feel disappointed and we lose faith in men, women, and humans as a whole. Then we start to protect ourselves from these awful human beings out there, we start giving away less from our true self to our so called ‘friends’ or ‘girl/boyfriends’. We become actors in the real life.

Moreover, in our fast paced life, nothing is constant. When we graduate from high school and leave to go to college/university, we leave a whole bunch of people behind us. Good or bad, they have been there with us through these years and we have shared so much memories and worries together. But life forces us to leave. And when this happens over and over again, you just start thinking ‘Why should I suffer every time I leave some place, when I could just use some people for fun, just not to be alone?!’ And we start using people again to protect ourselves.

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In the end are we living a real life at all… or we are just using and protecting ourselves…? Is this what we want from life? Is it the best we can get from life?

What would you rather do – always protect yourself or just live your real life? But can you live a real life in a world full of fake people?

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