Comeback

comeback

Dear friends,

It has been too long since my last blogpost and I am very sorry about that. My life has been a total mess and a terrifying rollercoaster all at once in the past couple of months. I wanted to write to you and share with you what I have been going through but my insecurities constantly got in the way. Even right now I feel utterly terrified to be writing this…

Probably I should explain a bit more. I grew up thinking that I am unlovable, that I do not deserve anything good coming my way and that I cannot trust anyone, literally anyone even God. I still have all these issues and they have been a contributing factor to my anxiety disorder. That’s why, I find it extremely hard to be around other people, to share with people, to trust that other people won’t judge me or betray me somehow. I am trying very hard to shift that and to trust that not everyone is out to get me.

However, at times like this, when my whole world is upside down and my whole support system is somewhat shattered, I lose complete control over my thoughts and my anxiety takes over. Every irrational feeling, every safety behaviour, every survival instinct kicks in and takes control. They try to save me from the outside world whilst destroying my inner world. I become so much of an introvert that I cannot accept even in front of myself how I am actually feeling and how badly scared I am that there is no one to help me, I am all alone in my own personal hell. Hell, that I have created for myself, that my own body created trying to save me from deep emotional pain that somebody caused me as a child. Mental illness is somewhat ironic – you are hurt by the world (mostly) so your body tries to save you from the pain by creating sensations, thoughts and emotions that actually result in more pain.

I definitely think that our bodies are amazing machines that are never wrong in trying to protect us and heal us. Then why do they fail so spectacularly in healing us from emotional pain?! Were people better thousands of years ago when human bodies were created? Have we evolved into some sort of monsters that cause each other tremendous pain accidentally?! Or was this the point all along?! A good point for thoughts…

Anyway, going back to my previous rambles… I could not really share with you, guys, when I could not even be honest with myself. I was afraid of sharing, I was afraid of writing something that is far from perfect, I was afraid of being myself with anyone, from being rejected and being misunderstood.

Starting this blog was a challenge to myself to be open and honest not only with myself but with the outside world as well. It has been utterly amazing to receive positive feedback, likes and comments and I have enjoyed doing it no matter how challenging until I fell back into the depths of anxiety.

Today I am starting over and no matter how much my hands are shaking writing this I want to be doing it. I want to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to share with you guys, I want for us to be a part of each other’s lives.

So I am back … I do not know for how long, I cannot promise you anything, I will always try and do my best, but we all sometimes fall and that is completely normal. We fall and get back up again.

I am back and I will be honoured to share my journey with you all.

Be happy, be healthy, be blessed!

Thank you.

Lots of love xx

 

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A note on suicide

I was deeply saddened by the news of Chester Bennington’s dead last week. Many people from my generation grew up listening to Linkin Park. I was one of them. Their music was always able to touch the heart and somehow made us feel understood and accepted.

R.I.P. Chester

Leave Out All The Rest (Official Video) – Linkin Park

Of course, I felt incredibly sad for the talent that the world lost on the 20th of July.

But the reason I felt more affected by Chester’s dead than that of any other famous artist that I adored is the fact that it was a suicide. The thoughts of suicide come to the mind of many people around the world, especially those affected by mental health problems. Suicide is becoming a leading cause of death in many countries. And I believe that this comes only to show how desperate many people feel, how unattended their needs are and that it does not really matter whether you are rich or poor, successful or not, married or not. It can happen to anyone.

This month was not the best for me. It started out bad and it continued to be a rough patch on my journey to recovery from chronic anxiety, panic attacks and childhood trauma.

I personally had some very strong thoughts of suicide at the beginning of the month.

Heavy (Official Video) – Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara)

It got so dark that I was sure that there is no way out. I was trying so hard to see the situation from a different angle but I failed over and over again. My mind was stuck, my demons were winning the fight, they were very close to me pushing me against the wall with no space to move and no air to breathe. I was drowning…

I knew that I could break down the wall but I did not have any more energy left. I was thinking that the only way out was to kill myself. I felt so guilty that my family was trying so hard to help me and to make me feel good in the moment, but my mind was in a blur and I could not fully engage with them, nor appreciate their efforts. I was thinking ‘I am such a bad person. You are trying so hard and you do not even know that the only thing I am thinking of is the best way to kill myself.’

But then my angels came to the rescue… One night I was dreaming about everything I have here and everything that I won’t be able to have on the other side. I was dreaming about the dues that I have to pay and the heartache that I have to go through. Heartache that suicide won’t save me from. I was dreaming about this pain that will haunt me forever, deeply engraved into my soul, until I am ready to face it and get over it. My angels showed me that there are certain things you cannot escape. It might seem that there is no way out and that the only way out is to kill yourself, but actually the only way out is to face the demons and work to make them irrelevant. The only way to live in peace ever is to go through whatever awful thing you have to go through until you reach the other side.

I know it is hard. Oh God this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through – to face my demons, to find the energy to fight them, to admit my flaws and to be totally vulnerable. But the feeling I get after the storm is over and I am still breathing and I feel a little bit better than before, because some more pain is offloaded, is so worth living for.

Numb (Official Video) – Linkin Park

My current mental health problems are related to childhood traumas and it is a very tricky business getting out of something like that. If you are anything like me, you will first try to bottle it all up and never let it out, you will strive for a place and a time where your brain is so busy that you do not have the time to be alone with yourself and you will constantly search for the easy way out – something that can numb the pain and you can blissfully continue to live in a lie.

But the truth is there is no easy way out – this is not how life works. There is only one way out and it is a very tough path.

Childhood traumas are so bad, because you are not developed enough as a child to be able to deal with them, so you develop a lot of safety behaviours and own ideas of reality instead. And these behaviours and ideas become so ingrained into your mind that there is nothing else. One may spend their whole life living this lie and never understanding why everything is so messed up in their head.

You feel so bad inside that nothing that is actually happening on the outside can ever make you happy. There is this blur in your head and you might be very successful or you might have a loving family, but you are not able to feel the happiness. You know that it exists and that you should be happy, but you are not.

And when sooner or later push comes to shove and you have to start facing your demons, you have to put an enormous amount of energy and strength into breaking all of this stigma you created yourself. You start recovering. But recovery has many ups and downs and during one of those downs many people feel that this never ending nightmare will be forever, that there won’t be any more ups.

Linkin Park Performs “One More Light”

This is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this month. But if you find just a little bit more strength, you will get over it. I am sure. I have always thought that suicide is some sort of an answer and that it will put me out of my misery. But this is not true. This pain that lives inside of me, it will still be there in my next life if I do not face it all now. Thank God my angels were there for me and sent me this dream that made me realise the truth.

Please do not ever forget to at least try to talk to someone if you are ever feeling this hopeless.

There is always a way out of every situation. I hope your angels are always there for you to guide you.

You are special and the world needs you! There is a reason you are here! Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever stop fighting for yourself.

I pray that you all find peace and happiness in your life.

As always thank you, guys, for reading.

Lots of love xx

Oh …the mighty panic attack

I had this awful panic attack one night. I know that this is something that I should be used to by now. It is true that I am used to a lot of the symptoms of an anxiety disorder to the point where it is all just a normal part of my daily life. But panic attacks… there are still quite different for me. I could never quite get used to them.

I should probably start by saying that there are two different types of panic attacks for me. There are the small ones that I normally get from every uncomfortable feeling or situation like a couple times a day. I do not really pay that much attention to them. But there are also the big ones, which are truly terrifying and are one of the few things that I feel like I have zero progress in.

These mostly happen at night and are like the end result of a lot of scary thought that I have been having in the prior days. They normally happen two, three times a month now. However, the scary thing is that I have zero control over my mind during those panic attacks. It is like my mind is perfectly okay and then there is this switch, someone (something) pushes it and panic mode is activated. The doors in my head are closing in on me, I am a prisoner to my own mind, every single worst case scenario is coming true in my head and I cannot escape. It is as if I am in this car without brakes, completely uncontrollable, aiming to kill me. I just can’t live with myself and everything that is going on in my head, but I can’t escape it either.

condition-quotes-513x344-PanicAttack-01The only thing that has ever helped me in these situations is talking to either my mother or my boyfriend. Them trying to distract me and bring me back to reality with whatever techniques is the only thing that helps me to not completely lose myself.

Naturally, this makes me feel even worse, because I feel somehow dependent on someone else. I fear the times when I do not have a way to contact them and this gives me major anxiety. But still I have not learnt a way in which I can help myself. I do not trust myself and my head especially during these awful panic episodes.

Now the thing that makes me feel truly awful the day after such panic attack is the realisation that after more than a year efforts on recovery I still have such debilitating episodes of panic and that there are still things that I have completely no idea how I am going to get better at.

I follow my own progress meticulously and try to pay attention to every single thing that I do better than before, to everything that is easier, to every new better thought that pops into my head, to every good day and to every good feeling. This all gives me hope that things are getting better and probably there will come a day when everything is better.

However, no matter how good you live, reality always hits and it hits bad. For me reality is the big panic attack which discourages me for a moment. But then I think “is it worth giving up? Is it really going to be better? Or am I just lying to myself because I am sick of trying?” and I realise that there is no point in giving up, I won’t get any faster to where I want to be by giving up. These moments come to show me that there is still so much more to learn and that “the good things are worth fighting for” even if this is a never-ending fight that you have to face every waking hour of every single day.

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I believe this is true for every aspect of our life. Sometimes reality hits bad, so bad that we feel hopeless, tired and meaningless. But this is the whole point. It is like a test, a real-life test on what we want to fight for and how much we are willing to give to save something.

Remember… If it is worth having, it is worth fighting for.

As always thank you, guys. ❤

Lots of love xx

What is anxiety (to me)?

Anxiety is asking mum before going to sleep if everything is going to be alright.

Anxiety is the stomach pain and the nausea.

Anxiety is the rage I feel inside.

Anxiety is the disappointment that I have to live with every day.

Anxiety is the past that never was and the future that might never be.

Anxiety is my inner critic.

Anxiety is thinking of everything that could go wrong and nothing that could go right.

Anxiety is googling symptoms.

Anxiety is visiting tons of doctors.

Anxiety is feeling like a prisoner in my own body.

Anxiety is being afraid to let yourself be happy.

Anxiety is overthinking.

Anxiety is feeling like a burden.

Anxiety is avoiding social events.

Anxiety is thinking a month in advance about how you are going to get through a single occasion.

Anxiety is never leaving the house without pills in my purse.

Anxiety is trying to be prepared for every single scenario.

Anxiety is the panic I feel at home, on the tube, on a plane.

Anxiety is something you feel like you cannot escape. Ever.

Anxiety is beating yourself up for suffering from anxiety.

Anxiety is needing constant reassurance, safety and security.

Anxiety makes you mad.

Anxiety is everything and nothing.

Anxiety is just that.

Anxiety seems strong, but actually is weak.

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A new chapter of my life

Friends 🙂 I have been having so many thoughts in my head recently and I wanted to share them all with you, but I am not even sure where to begin…

So… you know about my struggles with unemployment. Two and a half years ago when it all started, all the rejections made me lose faith in myself completely, made me fall into this overdrive of stress and emotions and ultimately led to my total mental breakdown. Now I know that this mental breakdown was inevitable because of all the emotions I had locked in ever since I was a kid. But still, the one thing that led to all of this happening was the unemployment.

Logically this word itself started bearing this awful meaning and feeling that came with it. As you can imagine it was pretty tough finding the strength to go back into the job market and hope for the best. I did find the strength though two months ago – I went to the career events, filled in the job applications, prepared CV and cover letters, went to the interviews, wrote the emails. To be honest, it was all a very unpleasant experience, but made me see things much more clearly than ever before.

Two years ago every rejection made me think “I am not good enough”, “I am not confident enough”, “Nobody likes me and nobody will ever want to work with me”. Basically, I fell in this depth of self-pity where the problem was always with me. Well, I cannot say that there are not any problems with me, but there is a huge problem with the hiring procedures and the job market itself. There is an abundance of qualified people higher than ever before and there are a lot of people who fear those that seem too creative and untamable and simply do not hire them. The application forms mostly have not changed in the past 20 years, the same goes for the interview questions. The whole system is outdated and totally ill-prepared for the new generations. Those procedures might have been hugely successful with previous generations, but they definitely do not bring the best out of millennials.

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Of course that there is a problem with the candidates – nobody is perfect, but there is a much bigger problem with the whole hiring system. And before you start shaming yourself and dissecting everything that you did wrong, think for a second about everything else that is wrong.

This same thing has happened for decades to a lot of now extremely successful people. Lots of the time great talent remain unnoticed for a very long time partly due to the fact that those extraordinarily gifted people has preceded their time. The world was not quite ready for what they were about to create so they ignored it. They could not understand it at the time.

“(Walt) Disney was fired from the Kansas City Star in 1919 because, his editor said, he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

While a junior fashion editor at Harper’s Bazaar, (Anna) Wintour did lots of shoots, but apparently Tony Mazalla thought they were too edgy, and so she got fired after 9 months. After which she became fashion editor at Viva.

After a performance at Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry, Elvis (Presley) was told by the concert hall manager that he was better off returning to Memphis and driving trucks (his former career).

It’s hard to believe, but during his lifetime Van Gogh received hardly any acclaim for his work. While alive, he only sold one of his paintings, and that was to a friend for a very small amount of money. Despite this, he continued working throughout his life, never seeing success himself, though his paintings now are worth hundreds of millions of dollars.”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

“The amazing Oprah Winfrey experienced a very rough and abusive childhood, many career setbacks and a firing from her TV Reporter job because she was “unfit for TV”, all before her unmatched fame.

The woman every Harry Potter fan worships (J.K. Rowling), was nearly penniless, severely depressed, a single mom, a divorcee, and living on welfare before the success of her series. She is now recognized as one of the richest women in the WORLD.

The genius with the crazy hair (Albert Einstein) did not always act as such. He didn’t speak until he was four years old and couldn’t read until the age of seven which caused his parents and teachers to think he was mentally handicapped. (It may have taken him a while to bloom, but I think it was worth the wait!)”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

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If you are struggling and constantly misunderstood, the chances are you might possess some great talent. You may not be a genius and invent something that changes the world completely. But you have something in you – different, unique, raw potential and talent that you should work on.

I know how easy it is to fall into despair, self-pity and anger when you are constantly misunderstood, different from the crowd and overall the black sheep. I have done it thousand times, but I am now learning that it is so much better to use this energy for something good – to evolve, to learn more about yourself and to constantly search for your own mission in life, for the one thing that will make you truly happy and successful. I have been watching Girlboss on Netflix recently and it is a great example of what I just said. If you have not watched it yet, I thoroughly recommend it.

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I personally wanted to share with you that after so many unsuccessful attempts and after I have finally decided to channel all of this anger into something good, I decided that I am ready to try out as a freelancer. I am not sure if it will be successful or not, but it will be truly my thing and I feel that for the first time in my career, I will have full control to go as far as I want to and achieve as much as I am capable of.

I urge you, my black sheeps, not to let the anger and those feelings of resentment control your life. Do not be afraid to explore. There is something special in you. I know it! You just have to find it.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

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The risk of letting yourself feel

It is mental health awareness week and in order to honour this, I decided to write on what actually makes us anxious and depressed. There is not a particular reason that applies to everybody, but I strongly believe that there is a single personality feature that is common among all of us.

We care!

And we care a lot. We care so much about our families and friends, we care about our jobs and doing the best we can, we care about the world, about the environment, about the human race and its survival. We care to the point where we are no longer able to hear about all the problems and all the things that went wrong and we could not do anything about them. We start to overthink and blame ourselves that we are not better, that we cannot help or save more people. Then all of the emotions come along and they are so overwhelming that we suddenly become paralysingly numb.

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Being so caring, empathetic and emotional is a risky business.

By being this type of person I have become so much more compassionate, good person, who somehow knows everyone’s deepest fears and feelings and can talk to them in a way no other can. I am proud of this side of me. It really is an amazing feeling to belong to a small group of people who still have their human gene active and are good to others without expecting anything in return.

But, on the other hand, this has contributed to my anxiety and mental health issues significantly. I feel as if I am not able to escape feeling everyone else’s feelings. Even watching certain movies has become so much more difficult because I cannot escape experiencing their emotions.

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Last week I was talking to my boyfriend about life, but most importantly what differentiates risk-takers from non-risk-takers. Everything in life is a risk and that’s why most people who battle mental health issues have lots of safety behaviours, myself included. Not leaving the house without certain things in your purse, not visiting specific places, avoiding certain people and situations, even coming back to check whether you locked the door are all safety behaviours that we have adopted in order to protect ourselves from the risk of something (bad) possibly happening.

There are so many different types of risks. People who work with money, for example traders, take the risk of possibly losing hundreds of millions every day. And I believe that the reason that they do this is because they believe more in the possibility of earning hundreds of millions.

I myself feel that I have always been such a risk-taker when it comes to emotions. I have always let myself feel everything so very deeply. My words will never be enough to express the magnitude of the emotions that I hold. I do not know if it is a blessing or a curse to be able to feel so deeply, but it is certainly a choice whether to let yourself feel everything or not. I have always let myself feel everything – the sadness, the happiness and everything in between. I have such a strong energy that most people around me somehow pick up the feeling that I am currently experiencing.

A part of the reason why I have always felt everything so deeply is that I was never able to escape it. These feelings are so loud and clear that you cannot avoid them for very long. They will find their way out one way or another.

But the other reason is that I have always wanted to feel everything like that. What is the point of living if you have never experienced great happiness and great sadness? You cannot have one without the other. You either choose to have average feelings, which means not having any major feelings at all or you choose to live life to the fullest and be brave enough when the sad, dark moments come.

I have not yet learned how to deal with the magnitude of my emotions fully, I have a couple of ideas and tricks which I use for my overall anxiety and plan on sharing in the coming weeks. But one major thing that I believe in and helps me tremendously is my faith in a higher power, named God, that I believe always look after us and even when we are faced with major difficulties, there is not anything given to us that we cannot cope with. Sometimes we may feel as if we cannot, but deep in my heart I always know that I can survive this somehow.

You should know this too. Do not be afraid to feel. You have the power in you to survive!

I believe in you all.

Lots of love xx

When life has your back ;)

Oh God, how much I hate banks and all of those other super corporate and conservative companies and industries that do not care about anything but the dollar bill.

However, this was not always the case. I used to dream of working in a place like this. I used to wear this super formal attire that you normally see people in banks wearing and wonder why I did not feel ok in it. I used to think that being successful could only mean working in one of those empires and earning a lot of cash.

I tried to get those prestigious graduate jobs, I got to the final round of interviews realising “This is not for me. I do not feel ok here.” And the panic attack followed naturally. But still I could not realise what was wrong, I thought that I am still just a kid and when I eventually grow up I will learn how to live like this, how to enjoy this world and those kind of jobs where working in marketing means being pure evil. I could not see anything wrong in wanting to get those jobs and suffered very badly when I eventually did not get them.

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Now I thank God that I did not get those jobs. Strangely, but I truly feel now that this was luck, not lack of such. I can see my friends and classmates working in such places and I can see how profoundly unhappy they are. I look at them and I feel so grateful that I am not one of them. I can see how them having the opportunity to do this job, actually left them without any opportunities. I can see how stuck they are and how they feel as if they will have to lead this unhappy life forever. They could never take a leap of faith and follow their dreams, because they never had the chance to realize what exactly their dreams are. They are too worried for financial stability that they do not think that they can achieve it any other way than working 9-5. I feel sad for them and I feel sad for all the other people that are like them, living life like robots.

I could have been one of them. I dreamt of being one of them. I cried that I was not like them.

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Now I realize that I did all of this because I wanted so badly to fit in. I used to hate my individuality, my creativity and the fact that I was always the odd one. Those traits made me feel left out on numerous occasions. I was and still am very different from any given group of people, I could never fit in. So I had to lie my way around, to pretend that I am normal and eventually get a lot of friends. Those friends were never real friends (except my best friend forever) because they never knew me, they never knew the real me, they did not have much to love. I never gave them a chance to get to know me and decide if they really like me or not, because I was too afraid of rejection. I used to think it was better to be average than to be no one.

This lie that I lived in grew so much that it affected all parts of my life, including my career. All of those completely ridiculous ambitions to work at those kind of companies were totally at odds with who I really am. I could have never learnt to like this type of work and life. I could have only grown up to be miserable, unhappy robot-like soulless human being.

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Ever since I was a kid, I knew that this life ‘study so that you can get into university, get into university so that you can get a good job, get a job so that you have the financial means to start a family… and so on’ just is not for me. But wanting to fit in so badly, I ignored all my gut feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe in education – it is paramount for our evolution, I think that financial stability is also incredibly important in the world we live in. It is just that our society has turned everything upside down. Education is important but not so that you have high grades and get a good job. Education is important because it teaches you how to think out of the box, how to be a problem-solver, how to survive. And the most valuable education is not the one we get at school, it is the self-education that is really important. In the past three years, I have learned more about work and life than I have learned in the 15 years that I spent at various formal educational institutions.

And there are many different things that you can earn a living from other than going to work every day. Working full time is the most straightforward way, but definitely not the only one. Nowadays you can earn money from practically anything. You just have to be creative enough to find different opportunities and turn them into cash. I do not say that every new idea is going to be an overnight success and you will become a millionaire in no time. Quite the opposite. You may have to fail many times before finding any success. But that’s the beauty of it all – failing, learning, improving and eventually succeeding.

Don’t give up! Don’t be afraid to be who you are! It is better to be no one than to be average.

Search, search… for your purpose in life. Live a happy, healthy life. Listen to your gut and take care of yourself.

Always.

Thank you, guys. :))

Lots of love xx

Birthdays..

I have not been posting much in the past couple of weeks… I am sorry about this, guys, I just could not find my words. I have been having pretty rough time in regards to my mental health and I could not find any inspiration in anything.

I am still pretty much feeling like that; however, I did just browse through a gift that I received 3 years ago for my birthday and the inspiration struck me.

With my birthday fast approaching in a couple of days’ time, I feel so emotional. Birthdays have always been tough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, it is just that with my insecurity, I am always worried that nobody will remember and the day won’t be anything special at all. I have always felt that birthdays are like some sort of a test when you discover who actually cares for you and who does not. That’s why, I put so much pressure on those days and often end up disappointed.

However, there have been a few of those birthdays that were really exceptional and unforgettable when I felt showered with love and quite special overall. On one of those birthdays I received this very special gift that I was just browsing – a photobook including my closest friends at the time (around 20 people) giving description of me and sharing memories and wishes. It was really a very special and sentimental gift to treasure for many years to come.

A lot has changed for those 3 years and considering that my confidence and self-esteem is at its all-time low, I thought it would not be such a bad idea to read some kind words of people that were, once, very close to my heart. Among all the jokes and the fun memories, I could recognise a few main words that all people were using, trying to describe me or how they see me in the future. The most common words for my description were ambitious, smart and very positive (phrases that were used the most were ‘constantly smiling’, ‘the girl with the widest smile’, ‘eternal smile’). And the most common thing they all said regarding my future was ‘successful’ (few people even used ‘successful without a doubt’).

Reading this now left me with mixed feelings – I am happy, of course, that people saw me this way. But then again seeing the word ‘successful’ used so much for me, made me feel quite bad. They all thought that I will be successful in a couple of years’ time, yet, here we are three years later and I am nowhere close to what I always thought successful means. How could so many people be wrong? Am I so deceiving in my own portrayal?!

Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

The fact that all of them thought that I was constantly calm, positive and smiling made me think of this famous thought that the girls with the biggest smiles usually hurt the most inside. This couldn’t really be any truer!

I have had friends over the years, but I have always been such an introvert. I could not be open and honest about my feelings even to my mother, to whom I have always been very close. No one knew about my battles and my struggles, and the pain I was feeling inside every day for lots of years. I was always wearing this pretty smile and everything was always just fine.

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Then, when everything fell apart and my smile started to fade, I was not so much fun to be around to anymore and I have lost touch with most of my once very close friends. That’s when I started letting people in on my struggles, pain and problems and this helped me tremendously with my mental health.

But then again so much has changed that I am not even sure who I am anymore and who I should be. I feel like I am on some sort of a crossroad on my way to personal rediscovery and change and I have to decide on the person that I got to be and the battles that I want to fight.

Have you ever felt like that on your personal journeys? I will be glad to hear your stories and advice as I feel quite lost right now.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

November 2014

Me sharing with you last week one of the most painful periods in my life – the world of unemployment which led to my severe mental breakdown – was quite tough for me. I am still not over the bitterness of it all and writing and thinking about it was a hard thing for me to do, but it is actually one of the things that made me who I am today. So I felt it was quite important to share it with you in order for you to get to know me and my story better. And most importantly for you to understand that nothing is as bad as we think and there is some good in all bad.

So understandably when I found a piece I wrote in November 2014 describing exactly how I was feeling at the time, I knew that I have to share it with you, guys.

Here it is… I hope you enjoy it and if unemployed at the time, find some comfort in it that you are not alone.


It is a rainy, foggy afternoon in late November in the city of London and the miserable weather outside awakens the dark side of me. You know, the one that always points out the bad things, the failures, the problems, the weak sides of your character and as a whole makes you feel bad about yourself.

I graduated from university a couple of months ago, back in the summer, with extremely high grades and extremely high hopes, everyone at university loved me and congratulated me on my big achievement and I assumed that everyone else will love me too. I knew that it will be hard, I knew that what future holds is not always flowers and smiles, especially after I had already had experienced certain parts of the real life and the awfully difficult task to find your dream job, but I never imagined that it will get so complicated and so hard. I had the hope that everything will work out in the end, better sooner than later.

However, things did not go exactly as planned, things got messy and here I am now. I will spare you the details of me applying to numerous jobs, never getting the one that I dream about and as a whole the world of unemployment that we all have experienced in some part of our lives.

It is not so much the lack of employment itself, it is more the feelings that come with it. It is the deadlines that you set for yourself that you simply can’t meet. It is the networking attempts that lead to dead ends. It is the moment you think to yourself that you can’t handle another rejection letter, but you have no other choice. The moment when your friends start working and start living their real life and you are still stuck somewhere in the middle between university and adult life. The moment when you think ‘what is wrong with me?!’. The moment when you live in one of the world’s greatest cities, which is full of different people and you travel on the train finding the astonishing difference between businessmen and lower middle class workers and thinking where is my place in all of this. Will I ever find my place?!

Don’t get me wrong… I know what I want to do with my life, I have pretty straightforward goals, I know what I love doing and what I want to work, but when you are in the middle of your personal nowhere, never knowing what will happen, you just feel lost in the crowd, not knowing how to find your place.

I am a fighter, I always get back up and I always find a way to keep going until I reach my goal, but in this moment of despair, I definitely have my ups and downs.

Maybe everything happens for a reason, maybe everything is a test and maybe just maybe eventually everyone get their happy ending.


Loving yourself

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Once I decided to try and get better, I did not know where to start or what to do about my mental health. I knew that my only option was to follow my gut and see where it takes me. Interestingly enough, everything and everyone was pointing me to the direction of self-love.

I do not think that I was ever capable of loving myself. Growing up, I was selfish with my possessions and jealous of everyone around my mum and I thought that this meant that I love myself a lot. Well… actually later I realised that it did not mean that, it just meant that I am insecure.

I have never been kind to myself – pushing myself beyond my limits every single day never listening to my body or souls’ needs. I have never accepted myself as I am – I was always striving to be someone else, to identify with something or someone better. I have never been able to gift myself with the pleasure of relaxing, without feeling guilty for wasting my time, or the pleasure of celebrating without an actual accomplishment, celebrating just the fact that I am alive. I have never been able to enjoy life for the simple things – walk in the park or on the beach, the smell of the flowers, the delicious food, the loving touch of those close to my heart, the beauty of traveling.

I have never accepted my feelings and emotions – I was constantly trying to bottle them up, to forget about them with a drink, a cigarette or a party, thinking that not paying attention to them will make them go away. In order to escape my own demons over the years I became the queen of distraction – reading, watching movies, listening to music, having tons of friends to go out with, having boyfriend after boyfriend without much of a break in between, going to ton of extracurricular activities, learning, learning, constantly learning everything I could think of that I found even slightly interesting. I was so busy with people and things that I did not have much time to let the demons out of the box. Nevertheless, I may not have paid attention to them, but they were still there – alive and well, trying to find their way out, making cracks in the bottle and escaping little by little through them.

I have lived like that for a long, long time before and after my anxiety and panic attacks started, until one day a couple of years ago my boyfriend and I packed our bags and moved from Manchester (where we studied at university) to London, where my boyfriend was about to start a new job. We both wanted to move to London, we were both applying for jobs in London the whole summer after finishing university and he found his dream job so we finally moved. We even found our dream apartment in a very nice neighbourhood and we were over the moon full with excitement and what seemed at the time infinite possibilities. I was sure I will find my dream job too pretty soon – after all I was already in London, where there is an opportunity at every corner.

Finding the dream job was the most important thing in the world for me at the time, my whole universe revolved around this. I cannot stress enough how important this was for me, because I have always worked very hard in order to be able to work whatever and wherever I wanted, I envisioned myself as a very successful person from the beginning of my career, I wanted to be able to rely on myself financially and to make my family proud. I was so sure this will happen that I could not even think of a different scenario – there was not anything else in the world, except this.

So you could probably imagine how I was feeling when none of this perfect little scenario ever happened… actually I do not know if you could imagine, because even for me, having experienced my world shattered into pieces and all the emotions afterwards, it all feels so surreal, almost like a very, very bad nightmare. Unfortunately, it was not just a bad dream. We moved to London two and a half years ago and I still have not found my dream job.

Looking back now I can see that I was pretty consistent – I applied for jobs every single day for around 9 months without losing hope. I have lost count of the applications I submitted but I am pretty sure that there are couple of hundred of them. It felt like the universe was just making fun of me, like everyone was making fun of me for being so stubborn and trying for so long only to find my head crashing into wall after wall.

However, probably the worst of all was having so much time on my hands – this has never ever happened to me before, as I told you above I used to be constantly busy. Then I found myself one day in London, where I did not know anyone, I did not have any friends or family here, I did not have school or work to go to, I did not have any money to sign up for some classes or something, I had to constantly rely on my parents or my boyfriend to give me money even to go buy food. I am very grateful for their financial support in my quest to find my place under the sun and for not having to work as a waitress, which would have been a total disaster as I am unable to bring a single bowl of soup to the table without spilling it, let alone a couple of them. But still having to ask for money constantly and permission to buy whatever is very, very hard thing for me to get used to. Even after all this time I still feel very uncomfortable doing so.

So I found myself in the beautiful city of London without any purpose in life with all the time in the world on my hands. This was all that my bottled feelings were dreaming of – having the opportunity to make even bigger cracks and start to resurface without any place for my mind to run to. I still watched every movie or TV series that was even slightly interesting, I studied a lot about marketing, which I want to work in, I applied for jobs, but there was far too much time I could not fill with anything. Time in which my demons caught up with me.

Fast forward 6 more months and we find ourselves at the moment when I received the most painful job rejection of them all. Rejection I could not live with because it finally made me feel hopeless. It made me realise that this dream of finding the perfect job and living happily ever after just was not meant to be for me at this point. This was also the time I last applied for a job for a very long time.

This was the time I was seriously contemplating suicide and was feeling so, so bad – panic attack after panic attack – I could not eat, sleep or do anything for days. With time, the symptoms subsided a little bit, but still I did not have any reason to live. My main reason for living – working and being successful was gone. I was desperately looking for something to hold on to so that I do not drawn in my own despair and take my life. I think this is the moment that the survival instinct kicks in, because my perspective started to shift a little bit by itself, trying desperately to find anything to give me a reason to live. And so it did – for the first time in my life, I have found a reason to live in the people around me. I started feeling so grateful for having a mother and a boyfriend that are there for me in all cases and under any circumstances. And I decided that they deserve to be my reason for living and for fighting. They still are my main reason for living, although with time I have found a couple of others too.

But I was about to find the most important reason of them all – loving myself.

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I am still no expert at loving myself, but I try very hard to learn how to do it.

I have not given up on my dream to find the perfect job, I have worked towards this a lot even though I was not applying for jobs. I just realised that I had to postpone it for a little bit while I learn how to take care of myself first. And that’s okay.

I have been feeling resentful for so long for the bad things in my life that actually made me the person I am today. But then one day I decided to look for the good in the bad, for the lessons, for the mind-opening experiences that just show you that life is not always what we think it should be, for the joy of overcoming them, for the fact that those moments actually bring you closer to your truer self, to your soul and to the balance in your life.