Autumn in London

Heyy all,

I have been playing with the idea of sharing with you a lot more about my everyday life – the good things that inspire me, motivate me and keep me going. Of course, I will continue with my regular posts which I love doing, but I feel that something a bit different from time to time is not a bad idea.

So here it goes… I hope you like it. Enjoy!

We are in the midst of autumn here in London, which means being constantly surrounded by colourful leaves, crisp air and pumpkin spiced everything. Of course, being in London you are occasionally blessed with foggy mornings which turn into foggy days and rain spells. I used to hate this weather but I feel that with time I grew to love it. I love to snug up in cosy blankets on the sofa with a warm cup of tea, to find the loveliest sweater and go out searching for cosy little restaurants and pubs where you could sip on traditional autumn drinks next to the fireplace.
Speaking of fireplaces, I could recommend a wonderful little pub in Greenwich where you could do just that. It is called Plume of Feathers, a stone’s throw from Greenwich Park and just the perfect place to warm up after a nice, long autumn walk in the park.
Find it at 19 Park Vista, London SE10 9LZ

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The other reason I love autumn so much is because I love holidays and the period from October to December is the most festive of the whole year. First there is Halloween, then there are two months of Christmas cheer – decorations, events, markets, shopping, cooking, family gatherings – oh, how much I love it all. The Christmas period is a magical time in London and I thoroughly recommend a visit if you have never been.

I know that it can become quite crazy and overwhelming, especially for people suffering from mental health issues but I try to focus more on the positive and just feel absolutely inspired by the energy around me. I also prepare a lot beforehand so that I do not feel so overwhelmed few days before Christmas. I start booking events from the middle of October, I start buying presents in November (I have found out that it is best to order as much as possible online, because it is crazy packed with people in shopping areas and I start feeling panicky) and I book my Christmas food shopping a good few weeks before so that it could be delivered to my home just in time for the main event.
I have quite a routine when it comes to enjoying Christmas to the fullest whilst suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and I will be happy to share it all with you if you are interested. Please drop me a message if you want me to write about this. :))

The third and probably most important reason I love autumn is because I always feel that life starts all over again in autumn. September has always been a month for new beginnings in my life and I feel I make more resolutions for autumn than I ever do for new year’s. I would normally go out on my own for a walk, listen to music, feel the fresh air around me and be inspired to start all over again, to accept my shortcomings and invent new ways to deal with my problems.

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There is always so much magic all around us no matter the season, the weather or the city. On the rare occasions, I am present and can appreciate the world around me, I feel quite inspired to go on and create much more moments like this. The energy of the world, the nature and the people around me give me strength to persevere during even the worst of storms.

I hope you find some magic in your life today and every day!

Thank you, guys.

Lots of love xx

 

 

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A new chapter of my life

Friends 🙂 I have been having so many thoughts in my head recently and I wanted to share them all with you, but I am not even sure where to begin…

So… you know about my struggles with unemployment. Two and a half years ago when it all started, all the rejections made me lose faith in myself completely, made me fall into this overdrive of stress and emotions and ultimately led to my total mental breakdown. Now I know that this mental breakdown was inevitable because of all the emotions I had locked in ever since I was a kid. But still, the one thing that led to all of this happening was the unemployment.

Logically this word itself started bearing this awful meaning and feeling that came with it. As you can imagine it was pretty tough finding the strength to go back into the job market and hope for the best. I did find the strength though two months ago – I went to the career events, filled in the job applications, prepared CV and cover letters, went to the interviews, wrote the emails. To be honest, it was all a very unpleasant experience, but made me see things much more clearly than ever before.

Two years ago every rejection made me think “I am not good enough”, “I am not confident enough”, “Nobody likes me and nobody will ever want to work with me”. Basically, I fell in this depth of self-pity where the problem was always with me. Well, I cannot say that there are not any problems with me, but there is a huge problem with the hiring procedures and the job market itself. There is an abundance of qualified people higher than ever before and there are a lot of people who fear those that seem too creative and untamable and simply do not hire them. The application forms mostly have not changed in the past 20 years, the same goes for the interview questions. The whole system is outdated and totally ill-prepared for the new generations. Those procedures might have been hugely successful with previous generations, but they definitely do not bring the best out of millennials.

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Of course that there is a problem with the candidates – nobody is perfect, but there is a much bigger problem with the whole hiring system. And before you start shaming yourself and dissecting everything that you did wrong, think for a second about everything else that is wrong.

This same thing has happened for decades to a lot of now extremely successful people. Lots of the time great talent remain unnoticed for a very long time partly due to the fact that those extraordinarily gifted people has preceded their time. The world was not quite ready for what they were about to create so they ignored it. They could not understand it at the time.

“(Walt) Disney was fired from the Kansas City Star in 1919 because, his editor said, he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

While a junior fashion editor at Harper’s Bazaar, (Anna) Wintour did lots of shoots, but apparently Tony Mazalla thought they were too edgy, and so she got fired after 9 months. After which she became fashion editor at Viva.

After a performance at Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry, Elvis (Presley) was told by the concert hall manager that he was better off returning to Memphis and driving trucks (his former career).

It’s hard to believe, but during his lifetime Van Gogh received hardly any acclaim for his work. While alive, he only sold one of his paintings, and that was to a friend for a very small amount of money. Despite this, he continued working throughout his life, never seeing success himself, though his paintings now are worth hundreds of millions of dollars.”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

“The amazing Oprah Winfrey experienced a very rough and abusive childhood, many career setbacks and a firing from her TV Reporter job because she was “unfit for TV”, all before her unmatched fame.

The woman every Harry Potter fan worships (J.K. Rowling), was nearly penniless, severely depressed, a single mom, a divorcee, and living on welfare before the success of her series. She is now recognized as one of the richest women in the WORLD.

The genius with the crazy hair (Albert Einstein) did not always act as such. He didn’t speak until he was four years old and couldn’t read until the age of seven which caused his parents and teachers to think he was mentally handicapped. (It may have taken him a while to bloom, but I think it was worth the wait!)”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

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If you are struggling and constantly misunderstood, the chances are you might possess some great talent. You may not be a genius and invent something that changes the world completely. But you have something in you – different, unique, raw potential and talent that you should work on.

I know how easy it is to fall into despair, self-pity and anger when you are constantly misunderstood, different from the crowd and overall the black sheep. I have done it thousand times, but I am now learning that it is so much better to use this energy for something good – to evolve, to learn more about yourself and to constantly search for your own mission in life, for the one thing that will make you truly happy and successful. I have been watching Girlboss on Netflix recently and it is a great example of what I just said. If you have not watched it yet, I thoroughly recommend it.

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I personally wanted to share with you that after so many unsuccessful attempts and after I have finally decided to channel all of this anger into something good, I decided that I am ready to try out as a freelancer. I am not sure if it will be successful or not, but it will be truly my thing and I feel that for the first time in my career, I will have full control to go as far as I want to and achieve as much as I am capable of.

I urge you, my black sheeps, not to let the anger and those feelings of resentment control your life. Do not be afraid to explore. There is something special in you. I know it! You just have to find it.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

P.S: If you like my content please do not forget to follow and share with your friends. 🙂

When life has your back ;)

Oh God, how much I hate banks and all of those other super corporate and conservative companies and industries that do not care about anything but the dollar bill.

However, this was not always the case. I used to dream of working in a place like this. I used to wear this super formal attire that you normally see people in banks wearing and wonder why I did not feel ok in it. I used to think that being successful could only mean working in one of those empires and earning a lot of cash.

I tried to get those prestigious graduate jobs, I got to the final round of interviews realising “This is not for me. I do not feel ok here.” And the panic attack followed naturally. But still I could not realise what was wrong, I thought that I am still just a kid and when I eventually grow up I will learn how to live like this, how to enjoy this world and those kind of jobs where working in marketing means being pure evil. I could not see anything wrong in wanting to get those jobs and suffered very badly when I eventually did not get them.

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Now I thank God that I did not get those jobs. Strangely, but I truly feel now that this was luck, not lack of such. I can see my friends and classmates working in such places and I can see how profoundly unhappy they are. I look at them and I feel so grateful that I am not one of them. I can see how them having the opportunity to do this job, actually left them without any opportunities. I can see how stuck they are and how they feel as if they will have to lead this unhappy life forever. They could never take a leap of faith and follow their dreams, because they never had the chance to realize what exactly their dreams are. They are too worried for financial stability that they do not think that they can achieve it any other way than working 9-5. I feel sad for them and I feel sad for all the other people that are like them, living life like robots.

I could have been one of them. I dreamt of being one of them. I cried that I was not like them.

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Now I realize that I did all of this because I wanted so badly to fit in. I used to hate my individuality, my creativity and the fact that I was always the odd one. Those traits made me feel left out on numerous occasions. I was and still am very different from any given group of people, I could never fit in. So I had to lie my way around, to pretend that I am normal and eventually get a lot of friends. Those friends were never real friends (except my best friend forever) because they never knew me, they never knew the real me, they did not have much to love. I never gave them a chance to get to know me and decide if they really like me or not, because I was too afraid of rejection. I used to think it was better to be average than to be no one.

This lie that I lived in grew so much that it affected all parts of my life, including my career. All of those completely ridiculous ambitions to work at those kind of companies were totally at odds with who I really am. I could have never learnt to like this type of work and life. I could have only grown up to be miserable, unhappy robot-like soulless human being.

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Ever since I was a kid, I knew that this life ‘study so that you can get into university, get into university so that you can get a good job, get a job so that you have the financial means to start a family… and so on’ just is not for me. But wanting to fit in so badly, I ignored all my gut feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe in education – it is paramount for our evolution, I think that financial stability is also incredibly important in the world we live in. It is just that our society has turned everything upside down. Education is important but not so that you have high grades and get a good job. Education is important because it teaches you how to think out of the box, how to be a problem-solver, how to survive. And the most valuable education is not the one we get at school, it is the self-education that is really important. In the past three years, I have learned more about work and life than I have learned in the 15 years that I spent at various formal educational institutions.

And there are many different things that you can earn a living from other than going to work every day. Working full time is the most straightforward way, but definitely not the only one. Nowadays you can earn money from practically anything. You just have to be creative enough to find different opportunities and turn them into cash. I do not say that every new idea is going to be an overnight success and you will become a millionaire in no time. Quite the opposite. You may have to fail many times before finding any success. But that’s the beauty of it all – failing, learning, improving and eventually succeeding.

Don’t give up! Don’t be afraid to be who you are! It is better to be no one than to be average.

Search, search… for your purpose in life. Live a happy, healthy life. Listen to your gut and take care of yourself.

Always.

Thank you, guys. :))

Lots of love xx

Birthdays..

I have not been posting much in the past couple of weeks… I am sorry about this, guys, I just could not find my words. I have been having pretty rough time in regards to my mental health and I could not find any inspiration in anything.

I am still pretty much feeling like that; however, I did just browse through a gift that I received 3 years ago for my birthday and the inspiration struck me.

With my birthday fast approaching in a couple of days’ time, I feel so emotional. Birthdays have always been tough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, it is just that with my insecurity, I am always worried that nobody will remember and the day won’t be anything special at all. I have always felt that birthdays are like some sort of a test when you discover who actually cares for you and who does not. That’s why, I put so much pressure on those days and often end up disappointed.

However, there have been a few of those birthdays that were really exceptional and unforgettable when I felt showered with love and quite special overall. On one of those birthdays I received this very special gift that I was just browsing – a photobook including my closest friends at the time (around 20 people) giving description of me and sharing memories and wishes. It was really a very special and sentimental gift to treasure for many years to come.

A lot has changed for those 3 years and considering that my confidence and self-esteem is at its all-time low, I thought it would not be such a bad idea to read some kind words of people that were, once, very close to my heart. Among all the jokes and the fun memories, I could recognise a few main words that all people were using, trying to describe me or how they see me in the future. The most common words for my description were ambitious, smart and very positive (phrases that were used the most were ‘constantly smiling’, ‘the girl with the widest smile’, ‘eternal smile’). And the most common thing they all said regarding my future was ‘successful’ (few people even used ‘successful without a doubt’).

Reading this now left me with mixed feelings – I am happy, of course, that people saw me this way. But then again seeing the word ‘successful’ used so much for me, made me feel quite bad. They all thought that I will be successful in a couple of years’ time, yet, here we are three years later and I am nowhere close to what I always thought successful means. How could so many people be wrong? Am I so deceiving in my own portrayal?!

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The fact that all of them thought that I was constantly calm, positive and smiling made me think of this famous thought that the girls with the biggest smiles usually hurt the most inside. This couldn’t really be any truer!

I have had friends over the years, but I have always been such an introvert. I could not be open and honest about my feelings even to my mother, to whom I have always been very close. No one knew about my battles and my struggles, and the pain I was feeling inside every day for lots of years. I was always wearing this pretty smile and everything was always just fine.

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Then, when everything fell apart and my smile started to fade, I was not so much fun to be around to anymore and I have lost touch with most of my once very close friends. That’s when I started letting people in on my struggles, pain and problems and this helped me tremendously with my mental health.

But then again so much has changed that I am not even sure who I am anymore and who I should be. I feel like I am on some sort of a crossroad on my way to personal rediscovery and change and I have to decide on the person that I got to be and the battles that I want to fight.

Have you ever felt like that on your personal journeys? I will be glad to hear your stories and advice as I feel quite lost right now.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

November 2014

Me sharing with you last week one of the most painful periods in my life – the world of unemployment which led to my severe mental breakdown – was quite tough for me. I am still not over the bitterness of it all and writing and thinking about it was a hard thing for me to do, but it is actually one of the things that made me who I am today. So I felt it was quite important to share it with you in order for you to get to know me and my story better. And most importantly for you to understand that nothing is as bad as we think and there is some good in all bad.

So understandably when I found a piece I wrote in November 2014 describing exactly how I was feeling at the time, I knew that I have to share it with you, guys.

Here it is… I hope you enjoy it and if unemployed at the time, find some comfort in it that you are not alone.


It is a rainy, foggy afternoon in late November in the city of London and the miserable weather outside awakens the dark side of me. You know, the one that always points out the bad things, the failures, the problems, the weak sides of your character and as a whole makes you feel bad about yourself.

I graduated from university a couple of months ago, back in the summer, with extremely high grades and extremely high hopes, everyone at university loved me and congratulated me on my big achievement and I assumed that everyone else will love me too. I knew that it will be hard, I knew that what future holds is not always flowers and smiles, especially after I had already had experienced certain parts of the real life and the awfully difficult task to find your dream job, but I never imagined that it will get so complicated and so hard. I had the hope that everything will work out in the end, better sooner than later.

However, things did not go exactly as planned, things got messy and here I am now. I will spare you the details of me applying to numerous jobs, never getting the one that I dream about and as a whole the world of unemployment that we all have experienced in some part of our lives.

It is not so much the lack of employment itself, it is more the feelings that come with it. It is the deadlines that you set for yourself that you simply can’t meet. It is the networking attempts that lead to dead ends. It is the moment you think to yourself that you can’t handle another rejection letter, but you have no other choice. The moment when your friends start working and start living their real life and you are still stuck somewhere in the middle between university and adult life. The moment when you think ‘what is wrong with me?!’. The moment when you live in one of the world’s greatest cities, which is full of different people and you travel on the train finding the astonishing difference between businessmen and lower middle class workers and thinking where is my place in all of this. Will I ever find my place?!

Don’t get me wrong… I know what I want to do with my life, I have pretty straightforward goals, I know what I love doing and what I want to work, but when you are in the middle of your personal nowhere, never knowing what will happen, you just feel lost in the crowd, not knowing how to find your place.

I am a fighter, I always get back up and I always find a way to keep going until I reach my goal, but in this moment of despair, I definitely have my ups and downs.

Maybe everything happens for a reason, maybe everything is a test and maybe just maybe eventually everyone get their happy ending.


Loving yourself

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Once I decided to try and get better, I did not know where to start or what to do about my mental health. I knew that my only option was to follow my gut and see where it takes me. Interestingly enough, everything and everyone was pointing me to the direction of self-love.

I do not think that I was ever capable of loving myself. Growing up, I was selfish with my possessions and jealous of everyone around my mum and I thought that this meant that I love myself a lot. Well… actually later I realised that it did not mean that, it just meant that I am insecure.

I have never been kind to myself – pushing myself beyond my limits every single day never listening to my body or souls’ needs. I have never accepted myself as I am – I was always striving to be someone else, to identify with something or someone better. I have never been able to gift myself with the pleasure of relaxing, without feeling guilty for wasting my time, or the pleasure of celebrating without an actual accomplishment, celebrating just the fact that I am alive. I have never been able to enjoy life for the simple things – walk in the park or on the beach, the smell of the flowers, the delicious food, the loving touch of those close to my heart, the beauty of traveling.

I have never accepted my feelings and emotions – I was constantly trying to bottle them up, to forget about them with a drink, a cigarette or a party, thinking that not paying attention to them will make them go away. In order to escape my own demons over the years I became the queen of distraction – reading, watching movies, listening to music, having tons of friends to go out with, having boyfriend after boyfriend without much of a break in between, going to ton of extracurricular activities, learning, learning, constantly learning everything I could think of that I found even slightly interesting. I was so busy with people and things that I did not have much time to let the demons out of the box. Nevertheless, I may not have paid attention to them, but they were still there – alive and well, trying to find their way out, making cracks in the bottle and escaping little by little through them.

I have lived like that for a long, long time before and after my anxiety and panic attacks started, until one day a couple of years ago my boyfriend and I packed our bags and moved from Manchester (where we studied at university) to London, where my boyfriend was about to start a new job. We both wanted to move to London, we were both applying for jobs in London the whole summer after finishing university and he found his dream job so we finally moved. We even found our dream apartment in a very nice neighbourhood and we were over the moon full with excitement and what seemed at the time infinite possibilities. I was sure I will find my dream job too pretty soon – after all I was already in London, where there is an opportunity at every corner.

Finding the dream job was the most important thing in the world for me at the time, my whole universe revolved around this. I cannot stress enough how important this was for me, because I have always worked very hard in order to be able to work whatever and wherever I wanted, I envisioned myself as a very successful person from the beginning of my career, I wanted to be able to rely on myself financially and to make my family proud. I was so sure this will happen that I could not even think of a different scenario – there was not anything else in the world, except this.

So you could probably imagine how I was feeling when none of this perfect little scenario ever happened… actually I do not know if you could imagine, because even for me, having experienced my world shattered into pieces and all the emotions afterwards, it all feels so surreal, almost like a very, very bad nightmare. Unfortunately, it was not just a bad dream. We moved to London two and a half years ago and I still have not found my dream job.

Looking back now I can see that I was pretty consistent – I applied for jobs every single day for around 9 months without losing hope. I have lost count of the applications I submitted but I am pretty sure that there are couple of hundred of them. It felt like the universe was just making fun of me, like everyone was making fun of me for being so stubborn and trying for so long only to find my head crashing into wall after wall.

However, probably the worst of all was having so much time on my hands – this has never ever happened to me before, as I told you above I used to be constantly busy. Then I found myself one day in London, where I did not know anyone, I did not have any friends or family here, I did not have school or work to go to, I did not have any money to sign up for some classes or something, I had to constantly rely on my parents or my boyfriend to give me money even to go buy food. I am very grateful for their financial support in my quest to find my place under the sun and for not having to work as a waitress, which would have been a total disaster as I am unable to bring a single bowl of soup to the table without spilling it, let alone a couple of them. But still having to ask for money constantly and permission to buy whatever is very, very hard thing for me to get used to. Even after all this time I still feel very uncomfortable doing so.

So I found myself in the beautiful city of London without any purpose in life with all the time in the world on my hands. This was all that my bottled feelings were dreaming of – having the opportunity to make even bigger cracks and start to resurface without any place for my mind to run to. I still watched every movie or TV series that was even slightly interesting, I studied a lot about marketing, which I want to work in, I applied for jobs, but there was far too much time I could not fill with anything. Time in which my demons caught up with me.

Fast forward 6 more months and we find ourselves at the moment when I received the most painful job rejection of them all. Rejection I could not live with because it finally made me feel hopeless. It made me realise that this dream of finding the perfect job and living happily ever after just was not meant to be for me at this point. This was also the time I last applied for a job for a very long time.

This was the time I was seriously contemplating suicide and was feeling so, so bad – panic attack after panic attack – I could not eat, sleep or do anything for days. With time, the symptoms subsided a little bit, but still I did not have any reason to live. My main reason for living – working and being successful was gone. I was desperately looking for something to hold on to so that I do not drawn in my own despair and take my life. I think this is the moment that the survival instinct kicks in, because my perspective started to shift a little bit by itself, trying desperately to find anything to give me a reason to live. And so it did – for the first time in my life, I have found a reason to live in the people around me. I started feeling so grateful for having a mother and a boyfriend that are there for me in all cases and under any circumstances. And I decided that they deserve to be my reason for living and for fighting. They still are my main reason for living, although with time I have found a couple of others too.

But I was about to find the most important reason of them all – loving myself.

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I am still no expert at loving myself, but I try very hard to learn how to do it.

I have not given up on my dream to find the perfect job, I have worked towards this a lot even though I was not applying for jobs. I just realised that I had to postpone it for a little bit while I learn how to take care of myself first. And that’s okay.

I have been feeling resentful for so long for the bad things in my life that actually made me the person I am today. But then one day I decided to look for the good in the bad, for the lessons, for the mind-opening experiences that just show you that life is not always what we think it should be, for the joy of overcoming them, for the fact that those moments actually bring you closer to your truer self, to your soul and to the balance in your life.

Be Good!

I recently started reading the book “Eat, Pray, Love”, which reminded me that everything good, everything different, everything creative comes from a dark, dark place. The darkest hour of the darkest day – the moment we have lost hope and direction is actually some sort of a breaking point. The point of no return when the darkest emotions have surfaced and we are just unable to breathe, to think or to digest is also the point of the greatest enlightenment – the point when surviving means becoming a different person. And becoming a different person does not mean living by a 10-step rule or keeping up with exercise and a healthy diet. This type of becoming a different person happens all by itself, naturally.

Experiencing such a great, enormous, inexplicable pain can make you see, feel and experience life differently, can bring you so much closer to your soul, to your own God, can make you so much more empathetic that you start to see things like you have never before. And this change is so painful and so beautiful at the same time – now you have this great, enormous soul much bigger than the pain you have experienced and much bigger than the world itself.

For me personally a lot of things have changed in my feeling and understanding of the world for this past year. I have started to care much more deeply about the world and everything that happens in it – I feel for all the people suffering, for all the people affected by war and by bad politics, for the nature and the climate change, for the water and food waste in western nations whilst children in Africa suffer from malnutrition and poor sanitation, for recycling… and so much more.

I did not care much about that before I was so badly affected by my mental health issues, I knew that the world was in bad shape, that there was a lot of pain and suffering but somehow I felt as if I was living on a different planet, as if it was happening but it won’t affect me, as if my problems are not really related to the world problems so why should I care?!

Well, I was not exactly right because my problems were and still are mainly related to the people around me. Those people in turn also suffered some sort of a heartache, which made them behave the way they were – destroying everything around them. So as a result of this vicious cycle people on this planet started giving and receiving only the bad – bad emotions, bad talks, bad actions, bad food and so on. And now everyone is suffering, the whole planet is suffering, the air is filled with hatred and frustration. Everyone is so preoccupied with their own problems and battles that they do not even realise that even one person changed for the better is actually a big change for the world.

My boyfriend once told me that my secret dream was to change the world – yes, this is true, but I know that I can’t really change the world all by myself. I now know that changing the world actually means changing yourself and the ones around you for the better – see more good and do more good – donate your old clothes to the people in need; do not make fun of the ones fallen on their knees – you do not know their struggles and you will only make them feel worse; volunteer more – it does not have to be very formal like every Sunday in the soup kitchen, you can volunteer simply be helping someone out on the street, by stopping for a second to think about someone else other than yourself.

Being good does not have to be expensive nor time consuming – the key is in the small acts of kindness.

Eat more, Love more, Pray more – Enjoy life more by being good.

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Remember that everyone and I really mean EVERYONE has experienced pain, suffering, frustration, sadness or angriness to some extent in their life. This means that everyone also has the right to be bad and to want to get this pain out of their chest. But choosing to let go of the pain without feeling the need to spread it to the world so that everyone knows how you are feeling is actually changing and becoming better and kinder to both you and the ones around you and of course consequently to the world.

Welcome back!

Hey guys 🙂

I started this blog around 4 years ago with the idea for it to be my online diary. I was quite busy at the time and did not produce much content and eventually I just dropped it.

A few months ago I embraced a completely new chapter in my life – my search for self-discovery, self-love and healing. As the time passed I felt the creativity flowing through my veins again and the need to share what I have learnt with others. That’s why, I remembered my lost online diary and decided to bring it back to life (honestly I have been thinking of topics and ideas for the past 3-4 months but the New Year seemed like the best time to actually do it).

I will start by saying that I prefer to stay anonymous here as I am planning on sharing really personal things that I don’t feel completely ready to disclose to the world openly under my name. Hopefully a day will come when I will be ready to reveal my name but until then please stick with me if you are interested in my posts or just leave the blog without being hateful. Thanks 🙂

In case my anonymity would not be a deal-breaker, I am happy to welcome you all rebels, misfits, dreamers, creatives, princesses, princes, the black sheeps …those who are different, who struggle to come to terms with our reality and to find their place under the sun … everyone who feels that their place is here and that they can get something out of my experience.

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I don’t really know where to start with my story but to make it short for now I will start off by saying that I had a bad childhood because my parents separated when I was very little. They argued a lot and I felt that I should be the adult, the responsible one, who has to do something and bring them back together. My numerous efforts failed (and for the better) but as a fragile, emotional child at an early age I started struggling with feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, separation anxiety, abandonment from my father and many others. During the first grades I was bullied badly at school which made things worse.

As I grew up I tried to capsule these awful feelings and never think of them again and I did succeed until I moved all alone on the other side of Europe at the age of 19. The separation from home and from my mother who has been my rock during all of these awful experiences brought back feelings I did not even know existed. I tried to suppress them for a very long time (I tend to be very stubborn) but then when I finished university and couldn’t find a job for more than 2 years, receiving numerous rejection letters made things unbearable.

I started suffering from severe Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks and mild Depression. It was extremely hard getting out of the bed in the morning and even worse when I had to leave the house. I lived in a constant nightmare …there is a lot to be told about this experience but I will share more in my upcoming posts on Anxiety and Panic Attacks. In the meantime, despite feeling awful, I was constantly trying to convince my mother and my boyfriend that I do not suffer from a mental illness. Until one day I had the worst fight with my boyfriend – I said things that I did not really think – it was my anxiety and my ego talking – we did not talk for whole 20 hours (we have been together more than 5 years and that is the first time that something like this happened). I was crying the whole night and I woke up a different person. I woke up a determined person, one who has admitted that is suffering and that needs help. That’s the day I decided that I needed to do something about my mental health and started reading self-help books, trying out different techniques and signed up for a weekly therapy. All of this helped me tremendously – I still have a long way to go until I am fully recovered – but around 9 months later it is not that hard to get out of bed or out of the house.

While all of this was happening in my mind, a lot has been happening in my body as well. I started getting extremely painful periods around 4 years ago and a lot of doctors expressed their concern that it might be endometriosis. I managed the symptoms and the periods by taking the pill for the past 3 years but apparently the disease was still there thriving. Around a year ago I was diagnosed with endometrioma – cyst on the ovary. It started growing and it is now more than 7cm. That’s why, in the past year I have been battling endometriosis as well and trying to find a way to reduce the cyst without the need for surgery.

So to sum up, my blog will be mainly about living life as a creative dreamer searching for their life purpose and path, battling anxiety and endometriosis, sharing tips on coping with these diseases, raising awareness on mental health and trying to live life to the fullest despite all obstacles.

Hope you all enjoy it! Welcome aboard my crazy life!