What is anxiety (to me)?

Anxiety is asking mum before going to sleep if everything is going to be alright.

Anxiety is the stomach pain and the nausea.

Anxiety is the rage I feel inside.

Anxiety is the disappointment that I have to live with every day.

Anxiety is the past that never was and the future that might never be.

Anxiety is my inner critic.

Anxiety is thinking of everything that could go wrong and nothing that could go right.

Anxiety is googling symptoms.

Anxiety is visiting tons of doctors.

Anxiety is feeling like a prisoner in my own body.

Anxiety is being afraid to let yourself be happy.

Anxiety is overthinking.

Anxiety is feeling like a burden.

Anxiety is avoiding social events.

Anxiety is thinking a month in advance about how you are going to get through a single occasion.

Anxiety is never leaving the house without pills in my purse.

Anxiety is trying to be prepared for every single scenario.

Anxiety is the panic I feel at home, on the tube, on a plane.

Anxiety is something you feel like you cannot escape. Ever.

Anxiety is beating yourself up for suffering from anxiety.

Anxiety is needing constant reassurance, safety and security.

Anxiety makes you mad.

Anxiety is everything and nothing.

Anxiety is just that.

Anxiety seems strong, but actually is weak.

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A new chapter of my life

Friends 🙂 I have been having so many thoughts in my head recently and I wanted to share them all with you, but I am not even sure where to begin…

So… you know about my struggles with unemployment. Two and a half years ago when it all started, all the rejections made me lose faith in myself completely, made me fall into this overdrive of stress and emotions and ultimately led to my total mental breakdown. Now I know that this mental breakdown was inevitable because of all the emotions I had locked in ever since I was a kid. But still, the one thing that led to all of this happening was the unemployment.

Logically this word itself started bearing this awful meaning and feeling that came with it. As you can imagine it was pretty tough finding the strength to go back into the job market and hope for the best. I did find the strength though two months ago – I went to the career events, filled in the job applications, prepared CV and cover letters, went to the interviews, wrote the emails. To be honest, it was all a very unpleasant experience, but made me see things much more clearly than ever before.

Two years ago every rejection made me think “I am not good enough”, “I am not confident enough”, “Nobody likes me and nobody will ever want to work with me”. Basically, I fell in this depth of self-pity where the problem was always with me. Well, I cannot say that there are not any problems with me, but there is a huge problem with the hiring procedures and the job market itself. There is an abundance of qualified people higher than ever before and there are a lot of people who fear those that seem too creative and untamable and simply do not hire them. The application forms mostly have not changed in the past 20 years, the same goes for the interview questions. The whole system is outdated and totally ill-prepared for the new generations. Those procedures might have been hugely successful with previous generations, but they definitely do not bring the best out of millennials.

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Of course that there is a problem with the candidates – nobody is perfect, but there is a much bigger problem with the whole hiring system. And before you start shaming yourself and dissecting everything that you did wrong, think for a second about everything else that is wrong.

This same thing has happened for decades to a lot of now extremely successful people. Lots of the time great talent remain unnoticed for a very long time partly due to the fact that those extraordinarily gifted people has preceded their time. The world was not quite ready for what they were about to create so they ignored it. They could not understand it at the time.

“(Walt) Disney was fired from the Kansas City Star in 1919 because, his editor said, he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

While a junior fashion editor at Harper’s Bazaar, (Anna) Wintour did lots of shoots, but apparently Tony Mazalla thought they were too edgy, and so she got fired after 9 months. After which she became fashion editor at Viva.

After a performance at Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry, Elvis (Presley) was told by the concert hall manager that he was better off returning to Memphis and driving trucks (his former career).

It’s hard to believe, but during his lifetime Van Gogh received hardly any acclaim for his work. While alive, he only sold one of his paintings, and that was to a friend for a very small amount of money. Despite this, he continued working throughout his life, never seeing success himself, though his paintings now are worth hundreds of millions of dollars.”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

“The amazing Oprah Winfrey experienced a very rough and abusive childhood, many career setbacks and a firing from her TV Reporter job because she was “unfit for TV”, all before her unmatched fame.

The woman every Harry Potter fan worships (J.K. Rowling), was nearly penniless, severely depressed, a single mom, a divorcee, and living on welfare before the success of her series. She is now recognized as one of the richest women in the WORLD.

The genius with the crazy hair (Albert Einstein) did not always act as such. He didn’t speak until he was four years old and couldn’t read until the age of seven which caused his parents and teachers to think he was mentally handicapped. (It may have taken him a while to bloom, but I think it was worth the wait!)”

Sourced from the Thought Catalog

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If you are struggling and constantly misunderstood, the chances are you might possess some great talent. You may not be a genius and invent something that changes the world completely. But you have something in you – different, unique, raw potential and talent that you should work on.

I know how easy it is to fall into despair, self-pity and anger when you are constantly misunderstood, different from the crowd and overall the black sheep. I have done it thousand times, but I am now learning that it is so much better to use this energy for something good – to evolve, to learn more about yourself and to constantly search for your own mission in life, for the one thing that will make you truly happy and successful. I have been watching Girlboss on Netflix recently and it is a great example of what I just said. If you have not watched it yet, I thoroughly recommend it.

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I personally wanted to share with you that after so many unsuccessful attempts and after I have finally decided to channel all of this anger into something good, I decided that I am ready to try out as a freelancer. I am not sure if it will be successful or not, but it will be truly my thing and I feel that for the first time in my career, I will have full control to go as far as I want to and achieve as much as I am capable of.

I urge you, my black sheeps, not to let the anger and those feelings of resentment control your life. Do not be afraid to explore. There is something special in you. I know it! You just have to find it.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

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