Birthdays..

I have not been posting much in the past couple of weeks… I am sorry about this, guys, I just could not find my words. I have been having pretty rough time in regards to my mental health and I could not find any inspiration in anything.

I am still pretty much feeling like that; however, I did just browse through a gift that I received 3 years ago for my birthday and the inspiration struck me.

With my birthday fast approaching in a couple of days’ time, I feel so emotional. Birthdays have always been tough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, it is just that with my insecurity, I am always worried that nobody will remember and the day won’t be anything special at all. I have always felt that birthdays are like some sort of a test when you discover who actually cares for you and who does not. That’s why, I put so much pressure on those days and often end up disappointed.

However, there have been a few of those birthdays that were really exceptional and unforgettable when I felt showered with love and quite special overall. On one of those birthdays I received this very special gift that I was just browsing – a photobook including my closest friends at the time (around 20 people) giving description of me and sharing memories and wishes. It was really a very special and sentimental gift to treasure for many years to come.

A lot has changed for those 3 years and considering that my confidence and self-esteem is at its all-time low, I thought it would not be such a bad idea to read some kind words of people that were, once, very close to my heart. Among all the jokes and the fun memories, I could recognise a few main words that all people were using, trying to describe me or how they see me in the future. The most common words for my description were ambitious, smart and very positive (phrases that were used the most were ‘constantly smiling’, ‘the girl with the widest smile’, ‘eternal smile’). And the most common thing they all said regarding my future was ‘successful’ (few people even used ‘successful without a doubt’).

Reading this now left me with mixed feelings – I am happy, of course, that people saw me this way. But then again seeing the word ‘successful’ used so much for me, made me feel quite bad. They all thought that I will be successful in a couple of years’ time, yet, here we are three years later and I am nowhere close to what I always thought successful means. How could so many people be wrong? Am I so deceiving in my own portrayal?!

Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

The fact that all of them thought that I was constantly calm, positive and smiling made me think of this famous thought that the girls with the biggest smiles usually hurt the most inside. This couldn’t really be any truer!

I have had friends over the years, but I have always been such an introvert. I could not be open and honest about my feelings even to my mother, to whom I have always been very close. No one knew about my battles and my struggles, and the pain I was feeling inside every day for lots of years. I was always wearing this pretty smile and everything was always just fine.

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Then, when everything fell apart and my smile started to fade, I was not so much fun to be around to anymore and I have lost touch with most of my once very close friends. That’s when I started letting people in on my struggles, pain and problems and this helped me tremendously with my mental health.

But then again so much has changed that I am not even sure who I am anymore and who I should be. I feel like I am on some sort of a crossroad on my way to personal rediscovery and change and I have to decide on the person that I got to be and the battles that I want to fight.

Have you ever felt like that on your personal journeys? I will be glad to hear your stories and advice as I feel quite lost right now.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx

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