When life has your back ;)

Oh God, how much I hate banks and all of those other super corporate and conservative companies and industries that do not care about anything but the dollar bill.

However, this was not always the case. I used to dream of working in a place like this. I used to wear this super formal attire that you normally see people in banks wearing and wonder why I did not feel ok in it. I used to think that being successful could only mean working in one of those empires and earning a lot of cash.

I tried to get those prestigious graduate jobs, I got to the final round of interviews realising “This is not for me. I do not feel ok here.” And the panic attack followed naturally. But still I could not realise what was wrong, I thought that I am still just a kid and when I eventually grow up I will learn how to live like this, how to enjoy this world and those kind of jobs where working in marketing means being pure evil. I could not see anything wrong in wanting to get those jobs and suffered very badly when I eventually did not get them.

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Now I thank God that I did not get those jobs. Strangely, but I truly feel now that this was luck, not lack of such. I can see my friends and classmates working in such places and I can see how profoundly unhappy they are. I look at them and I feel so grateful that I am not one of them. I can see how them having the opportunity to do this job, actually left them without any opportunities. I can see how stuck they are and how they feel as if they will have to lead this unhappy life forever. They could never take a leap of faith and follow their dreams, because they never had the chance to realize what exactly their dreams are. They are too worried for financial stability that they do not think that they can achieve it any other way than working 9-5. I feel sad for them and I feel sad for all the other people that are like them, living life like robots.

I could have been one of them. I dreamt of being one of them. I cried that I was not like them.

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Now I realize that I did all of this because I wanted so badly to fit in. I used to hate my individuality, my creativity and the fact that I was always the odd one. Those traits made me feel left out on numerous occasions. I was and still am very different from any given group of people, I could never fit in. So I had to lie my way around, to pretend that I am normal and eventually get a lot of friends. Those friends were never real friends (except my best friend forever) because they never knew me, they never knew the real me, they did not have much to love. I never gave them a chance to get to know me and decide if they really like me or not, because I was too afraid of rejection. I used to think it was better to be average than to be no one.

This lie that I lived in grew so much that it affected all parts of my life, including my career. All of those completely ridiculous ambitions to work at those kind of companies were totally at odds with who I really am. I could have never learnt to like this type of work and life. I could have only grown up to be miserable, unhappy robot-like soulless human being.

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Ever since I was a kid, I knew that this life ‘study so that you can get into university, get into university so that you can get a good job, get a job so that you have the financial means to start a family… and so on’ just is not for me. But wanting to fit in so badly, I ignored all my gut feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe in education – it is paramount for our evolution, I think that financial stability is also incredibly important in the world we live in. It is just that our society has turned everything upside down. Education is important but not so that you have high grades and get a good job. Education is important because it teaches you how to think out of the box, how to be a problem-solver, how to survive. And the most valuable education is not the one we get at school, it is the self-education that is really important. In the past three years, I have learned more about work and life than I have learned in the 15 years that I spent at various formal educational institutions.

And there are many different things that you can earn a living from other than going to work every day. Working full time is the most straightforward way, but definitely not the only one. Nowadays you can earn money from practically anything. You just have to be creative enough to find different opportunities and turn them into cash. I do not say that every new idea is going to be an overnight success and you will become a millionaire in no time. Quite the opposite. You may have to fail many times before finding any success. But that’s the beauty of it all – failing, learning, improving and eventually succeeding.

Don’t give up! Don’t be afraid to be who you are! It is better to be no one than to be average.

Search, search… for your purpose in life. Live a happy, healthy life. Listen to your gut and take care of yourself.

Always.

Thank you, guys. :))

Lots of love xx

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Birthdays..

I have not been posting much in the past couple of weeks… I am sorry about this, guys, I just could not find my words. I have been having pretty rough time in regards to my mental health and I could not find any inspiration in anything.

I am still pretty much feeling like that; however, I did just browse through a gift that I received 3 years ago for my birthday and the inspiration struck me.

With my birthday fast approaching in a couple of days’ time, I feel so emotional. Birthdays have always been tough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, it is just that with my insecurity, I am always worried that nobody will remember and the day won’t be anything special at all. I have always felt that birthdays are like some sort of a test when you discover who actually cares for you and who does not. That’s why, I put so much pressure on those days and often end up disappointed.

However, there have been a few of those birthdays that were really exceptional and unforgettable when I felt showered with love and quite special overall. On one of those birthdays I received this very special gift that I was just browsing – a photobook including my closest friends at the time (around 20 people) giving description of me and sharing memories and wishes. It was really a very special and sentimental gift to treasure for many years to come.

A lot has changed for those 3 years and considering that my confidence and self-esteem is at its all-time low, I thought it would not be such a bad idea to read some kind words of people that were, once, very close to my heart. Among all the jokes and the fun memories, I could recognise a few main words that all people were using, trying to describe me or how they see me in the future. The most common words for my description were ambitious, smart and very positive (phrases that were used the most were ‘constantly smiling’, ‘the girl with the widest smile’, ‘eternal smile’). And the most common thing they all said regarding my future was ‘successful’ (few people even used ‘successful without a doubt’).

Reading this now left me with mixed feelings – I am happy, of course, that people saw me this way. But then again seeing the word ‘successful’ used so much for me, made me feel quite bad. They all thought that I will be successful in a couple of years’ time, yet, here we are three years later and I am nowhere close to what I always thought successful means. How could so many people be wrong? Am I so deceiving in my own portrayal?!

Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

The fact that all of them thought that I was constantly calm, positive and smiling made me think of this famous thought that the girls with the biggest smiles usually hurt the most inside. This couldn’t really be any truer!

I have had friends over the years, but I have always been such an introvert. I could not be open and honest about my feelings even to my mother, to whom I have always been very close. No one knew about my battles and my struggles, and the pain I was feeling inside every day for lots of years. I was always wearing this pretty smile and everything was always just fine.

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Then, when everything fell apart and my smile started to fade, I was not so much fun to be around to anymore and I have lost touch with most of my once very close friends. That’s when I started letting people in on my struggles, pain and problems and this helped me tremendously with my mental health.

But then again so much has changed that I am not even sure who I am anymore and who I should be. I feel like I am on some sort of a crossroad on my way to personal rediscovery and change and I have to decide on the person that I got to be and the battles that I want to fight.

Have you ever felt like that on your personal journeys? I will be glad to hear your stories and advice as I feel quite lost right now.

Thank you, guys!

Lots of love xx