Me sharing with you last week one of the most painful periods in my life – the world of unemployment which led to my severe mental breakdown – was quite tough for me. I am still not over the bitterness of it all and writing and thinking about it was a hard thing for me to do, but it is actually one of the things that made me who I am today. So I felt it was quite important to share it with you in order for you to get to know me and my story better. And most importantly for you to understand that nothing is as bad as we think and there is some good in all bad.
So understandably when I found a piece I wrote in November 2014 describing exactly how I was feeling at the time, I knew that I have to share it with you, guys.
Here it is… I hope you enjoy it and if unemployed at the time, find some comfort in it that you are not alone.
It is a rainy, foggy afternoon in late November in the city of London and the miserable weather outside awakens the dark side of me. You know, the one that always points out the bad things, the failures, the problems, the weak sides of your character and as a whole makes you feel bad about yourself.
I graduated from university a couple of months ago, back in the summer, with extremely high grades and extremely high hopes, everyone at university loved me and congratulated me on my big achievement and I assumed that everyone else will love me too. I knew that it will be hard, I knew that what future holds is not always flowers and smiles, especially after I had already had experienced certain parts of the real life and the awfully difficult task to find your dream job, but I never imagined that it will get so complicated and so hard. I had the hope that everything will work out in the end, better sooner than later.
However, things did not go exactly as planned, things got messy and here I am now. I will spare you the details of me applying to numerous jobs, never getting the one that I dream about and as a whole the world of unemployment that we all have experienced in some part of our lives.
It is not so much the lack of employment itself, it is more the feelings that come with it. It is the deadlines that you set for yourself that you simply can’t meet. It is the networking attempts that lead to dead ends. It is the moment you think to yourself that you can’t handle another rejection letter, but you have no other choice. The moment when your friends start working and start living their real life and you are still stuck somewhere in the middle between university and adult life. The moment when you think ‘what is wrong with me?!’. The moment when you live in one of the world’s greatest cities, which is full of different people and you travel on the train finding the astonishing difference between businessmen and lower middle class workers and thinking where is my place in all of this. Will I ever find my place?!
Don’t get me wrong… I know what I want to do with my life, I have pretty straightforward goals, I know what I love doing and what I want to work, but when you are in the middle of your personal nowhere, never knowing what will happen, you just feel lost in the crowd, not knowing how to find your place.
I am a fighter, I always get back up and I always find a way to keep going until I reach my goal, but in this moment of despair, I definitely have my ups and downs.
Maybe everything happens for a reason, maybe everything is a test and maybe just maybe eventually everyone get their happy ending.